My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
