Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
