i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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