It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
