i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish you could order shots online.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
