did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
