this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
