i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
