I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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