i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
