the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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