I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
