Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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