i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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