i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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