She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
