Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize