yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
