so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
