I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
