How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Randomize
