I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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