forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize