I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
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