I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
