There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Sober January is a disaster.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
