I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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