He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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