I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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