i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Are my feet made of real feet?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
