The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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