oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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