I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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