I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
its liver damage thursday
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
