And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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