Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Randomize
