Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
