Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
