The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
