She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
