all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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