i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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