Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just found a bag of teeth...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
