I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
