There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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