I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
operation harelip BJ is a go
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
