My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
