Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
