you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
