How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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