I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
of course. lets lasso hookers.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
