I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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