I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
