the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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