I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
