I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
