I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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